Leafs blow it

Favourite team can't pull it off? Why put yourself through another depressing season.

Almost out of maple syrup

Need more maple syrup? That means going to the store. Who needs that.

Trump!

Not an American? We get it. Why cross the Ambassador Bridge when you can cross the River Styx?

Can't Find a Job

Economy too tough? Endless rejection? End the job hunt forever.

Can't Find a Wife/Husband/Partner

Dating apps ghosting you? Eternal solitude is just one approval away.

Stubbed Your Toe

That sharp, lingering pain? No need to live with it another minute.

Chronic Minor Pain

Headaches, backaches, paper cuts – intolerable suffering is intolerable.

Tim Hortons Got Your Order Wrong (Again)

Double-double became a single? Service industry betrayal is real trauma.

Winter Is Too Damn Cold

Six months of darkness and ice? Warm up permanently.

(More reasons: poverty, mild depression, Leafs lost the playoffs, high maple syrup prices, existential dread from social media, veteran PTSD waitlists, housing crisis, etc.)